We’ve had a wonderful day, exploring Lisbon and enjoying the sights, sounds and aromas of this great city. We’ve done a tram tour, walked for miles up hills and steps, more hills and more steps, all fabulous but tiring. We’ve explored downtown and eaten delicious baguettes and French pastries (yes, I do realise we’re in Portugal but the cafe beckoned to us), watched street performers and managed not to buy sunglasses or bracelet tees from the many wandering vendors.
The trip has been planned for a while, we both needed a break. I confess, I’m not the biggest fan of flying, but I did it and feel chuffed that I did it: it’s rather paradoxical that I love to explore, try new things and take photographs but I sometimes suffer from crippling anxiety.
This visit, a much wanted and anticipated break, is a source of anxiety to me. Even though my logical brain says, ‘you’re fine’ my physical symptoms and emotions say things like, ‘ooo, aching legs, maybe another DVT,’ or ‘hmmm, painful jaw, tingles in the hands, backache...heart attack symptoms you know..’
I DO know ... that the legs are more likely unused to this level of hill walking and I have inherited mum’s varicose veins, and the other things are more likely to be me clenching my jaw, hunching my shoulders and tensing up.
Graham always does his very best to reassure me and I get super cross and frustrated with myself because I feel I’m letting him down...there are many things we both hoped to do and I’m stopping them from happening.
Sometimes - increasingly so - I can be bold, step out and kick anxiety in the pants. Sometimes - and this is where I’m at tonight - despite using all my strategies, despite praying hard and telling God how much I love and trust Him with every minute detail of my life, I still falter.
Tonight we were going to go and eat Tapas and listen to Fado (the national music of Portugal) ... it would only need 10 minutes of walking down familiar streets but here I sit, writing (catharsis) while Graham has gone out for a walk. I’m trying to relax, be bold and embrace another new experience but every twinge serves to redirect my logical thoughts to e optional, unrealistic ones.
I’d love to pull myself together. I do need to get on with it and just go out. I do need to consider Graham’s feelings and wishes. I do need to trust God more. And...all the other well-meant words of ‘encouragement’ that lovely people offer...
Thing is you see, I won’t always feel this way, I won’t always be crippled like this. We all have those ‘thorns in our sides’ to deal with and maybe this is mine.
Tomorrow is another day, sometimes things seem different in daylight. Hopefully, I’ll wake ready for the next adventure.
Love to you Jill (& Graham!) Praying tomorrow's new day brings peace & your usual courage again <3
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